So..

I'm writing this post in my free time, which I had a lot these days.

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Ever since I came back to my hometown, I realized a lot of things about me and also my surroundings. In the midst of this pandemic, I did a lot of self-reflection. Reconsidering my life values, my philosophy, where I lead my life and how I should be as who I am. When it comes to art, I still have this big ambition on having my own photo exhibition some day. Although, I was going to do it this year while I'm going to Korea for work, but I decided not to rush it. I don't want to label myself as perfectionist, but I do have a certain issue regarding my "firsts".  I tend to be more careful and plan everything well to do something for the first time, including my decision to move to Germany in the near future. I don't want to rush things just so that I can get over with it, I'm not that impulsive. Well, I used to, but as I grew older, I realized that I always changed my decisions as if I'm indecisive and "plin-plan" which lead me to make lots of wrong choices in my life. I have no regrets on it, it's just I should've done it better.

I guess because I'm going to be 30 this year and I feel like in my last days as 20s, I need to make sure that I've accomplished things that I could do in my 20s and be proud of life that I've lived so far. I've learned my lesson, that I should have not waste my time, energy, and feeling to things that I know it's not for me. I will not start things when I feel that it will make me regret or make myself miserable later on. 

I'm really hoping that I can end my 20s well and starting my 'more' mature life ahead.

Stay safe, everyone! 

2019 will end sooner than I thought. It's been hell of a year.
To end this year, I would like to myself a question.


What is my dream?

Do I want to be a professional photographer? Or do I want to be an artist?
Honestly, being an artist doesn't mean that I have to be a photographer. I can be anything. A poet, a musician, anything. Although I always work in this visual media for years, I can see that I'm starting to combine this medium with other things, like words or melodies. But can I truly become an artist of my own?

From 365+ days ago,

This post is specially written about a story of how I find myself, again.

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I, a woman who still knows nothing about how life works, have a story on how I found myself. My own self.

Not many people know about this but in the past days, I always obey people and try to please people that it ended up ruining me. I have been always be in pain. Not only from sickness, but also from other things. I got lots and lots of emotional damage in my life. Bullied, betrayed, abused, and also emotionally hurt; by words and actions.

I thought I was so damaged that I've created "my other self ", making me into a double personality or bipolar person.

She is a strong woman, a tough one. I never really know her existence until recently when I'm having a personality difficulty. I need to find myself. I know, deep inside my consciousness, that she will always protect me in any situation. She knows no fear. Pain makes her stronger. I was always been weak that people are enjoying hurting me because I don't speak up. And every time someone hurt me, she gets stronger and build the wall that is unbreakable. That's how I lived for all these years.

Until one day, something happened to me.

I.. met her.

I just realized how different she is from me. How strong she have become. I didn't realized it myself that I also grow stronger, together with her. And day by day, we're emerging into one whole new individual... Me. I can't believe that this persona that I created, helped me become who I am today.

I am her, she is me.

From that day on, every artwork that I make, every story that I tell..
It was always about our story.

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Model // Ida & Nicole