The (Ugly) Truth


Seems like "Finding Myself" is just a lie I deceived myself and all of you.
There IS no "another me". 


So, apparently I have some mental health issues.

I suffered from chronic cognitive distortions for years that lead me into identity crisis, wrecking my emotion and had a bit of anxiety disorder. This distortion might not be a big deal for some people, but it causes me hard times in my life. 

No, I'm not suddenly being emo, I'd just always tried to hold this in for fear of being judged. 

I never see my life from the outside (of my point of view), so that's why I never know what problems I had until recently. I've surrounded myself with many negative things; trashes that I've been collecting since forever, without knowing it, and never able to get rid of it. And I kept lying to myself by ignoring the fact that I'm slowly "destroyed" because I want to protect myself, but that makes it even worse. 

Living in lies for years, piece by piece, I lost my identity. 
I don't who I am anymore, what I want, simply blank inside. 

I feel like I am what other people are shaping me; I never know who I actually am. Therefore, I made many bad decisions, let myself feel miserable for days, and other negative things. My creativity just shuts down and I withdraw myself from people. 

I've become scared of people. 

I remembered there are few times where I got so depressed on myself, I cried so hard that my whole face was swollen, keep blaming myself, and started pulling my hair (aiming to feel the tension, not to actually pull it out) to make the pain stop. 

I've been distorted, fooled by my own ghost and others. 

Some days I feel sorry to myself because of what I had done with my own life.

Some days I feel helpless and don't know what to do with my life.

Some days I just want people to disappear and never exist.

And there are also some days where I just want to kill whoever make me into this.

I've been doing this therapy called CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) with a psychotherapist for a while now and my progress is getting better. I believe that my mental health has to be fix before I continue with my life.

I finally came to understand that most people still prefer to live in their own beautiful lies. They want to cover their flaws by creating these delusions, just to feel better with life.

I used to live up to their lies on how they perceive and expect things from me that they called it as "for my own sake". People who talk without consideration for others' feeling or situation will continue to rant and judge anyway. 

I didn't realized that it was a bad thing for me, obeying, pleasing, and respecting people (even people who are older than me). 

I never wanted to do this but it seems like I must do it. 

But their expectations and perceptions of me are not some significant things that I need to care about. 

I'm NOT being a coward just because I'm not trying to prove myself to people.
There's nothing to prove. 

I'm not hiding myself away by creating beautiful lies.

I rather live with my ugly truth.

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